The topic of choice has come up many times in recent conversations I've had with friends and, unfortuntely, family. There is one specific circumstance where a person said to me, "I really believe that a persons life comes down to the choices they make". I cannot disagree more with such a statement.
I must admit it's a nice thought; the idea that no matter what our background or current environment may be, we can simply make a choice, a good choice, and we can shrug off those self-imposed limitations and have a better life. It sounds good doesn't it? I wonder if this is the basis of what people like to call "The American Dream". Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, kid. If one person can do, we call can, right?
The problem with this mentality first and foremost is that it's elitist. It's all very pie-in-the-sky and doesn't at all address or consider the real, and sometimes very long lasting, emotional effects (shame being #1 in my opinion) of physical and/or sexual abuse or simply being poor. It's well documented that physical and sexual abuse can affect the emotional lives of people for long periods of time, often for their entire lives.
Our bodies have memory, even if we cannot literally recall a specific event, our bodies can remember it and respond to this memory. The mind/body connection is so active in us, and to me seems obvious, that is why it is so maddening when people disregard physical manifestations of emotions as something that is just in your head. Well, that's just the thing, isn't it? It IS in your head, therefore, it's in your body. It's very simple: sometimes when people are scared or nervous, they shake = physical manifestation of emotions. Or, ever hear of people getting sick because they've been stressed out at work? Yes, that happens too. Anyway, I digress...
My point is, is that abuse or exposure to violent situations (like war) can bring on PTSD and various other mental health issues that many folks simply don't have control over. They never know when a situaition or a person might remind them of the traumatic event and quickly they are back in that space again. How is it then that these people just "make good choices" and get on with it? I'm sure many war veterans would love to hear that.
I am not saying that some people can't move on with their lives after a traumatic event and function in a way that works for them, but I think it's important to consider the person also. No two people have the same response to traumatic situations, so it's absurd to expect that if one person deals with it in one way, that the other will do the same.
A family member said to me, "yes, but don't you know people who have Borderline Personality Disorder who actually take reponsibility for themselves and have "regular" lives?"
I told her no. Not because I believe that people with BPD will not have "regular" lives, but because usually the reason someone is even diagnosed with such a thing is because it is the way that the world makes sense to them. They also usually developed it as a coping mechanism, a protective measure in response to a traumatic experience. The way I see it: their behavior is an attempt to get their needs met, which were often not met at some point in their life.
The funny thing about such converstations with people, specifically this particular family member, is that outside of their lives, outside of their families, it is easy for them to make these connections.
Having compassion for people is very important, I think, because there is always something going on underneath. There is always something more, always more than the fragment of ourselves that we choose to show each other.
Why it's so hard to find a good friend
13 years ago
